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Talk:The Black Flu/@comment-25021327-20160718023944
Wow. Okay, that was quite a lengthy read! I want to start by saying that I'm impressed that you were able to formulate a feature length story through to the end. They say about a minute for each page, right? That ought to do it. Please keep in mind that I only read through this once, so I likely missed some stuff. So if I mention something that was covered in the story, I probably forgot about it. All right, so there were some things here I liked, and a lot of things that had me scratching my head a little bit. I liked some of the characterizations that were used, things like Harold suffering from hallucinations. It made the character more interesting, and it wasn;t overused as a character point. Some people might want more of an explanation of it, but I was okay with it being left vague. There were a few issues I picked up on reading this that I feel warrant some more research, or brainstorming as far as explanations go. I'll try not to be too mitpicky, but here goes. -There was a mention of security cameras and footage at one point. In a war/disease ravaged 1928 world, this just wouldn;t be feasible. Film was still in its infancy, and any cameras that could have been used would have been huge, probably would need bright/specific lighting, and required pretty frequent film reel changes. -I was a little confused about some of the dialogue between Troy and Jade shortly after they met. I think Jade said that she was the only one who had been in Berlin for some time, but there seemed to be other campsites and evidence that there were survivors still there, or very recently. -I get the appeal of having the car wreck be caused by a zombie biting a tire, but it comes across a little silly to me. It would be pretty far fetched for anyone to bite a hole on a tire, but I feel like these zombies are kind of decaying and losing structural stability, so they would probably have duller teeth and less force in their bites. The same thing goes for later on when a zombie rips a man's arm off. However, I also realize that this is fiction, and that zombies have a wide array of lore and abilities, and that zimbies performing tasks requiring strength is not without precedent. Day of the Dead has a bunch of scenes of zombies ripping apart the living. -The whole sequence with Harold being captured later on and put into the white coffin was just kind of confusing to me. I get that it is probably for visual and thematic effect, as being locked in a coffin is a frightening thing to happen. But the execution here seemed odd to me. I'm not sure how he saw white inside the coffin unless it had lights in it. And the fact that he escapes the coffin, is captured and then put BACK into the coffin just seems a little strange and dumb on the part of the captors. It just seems like a weird sequence to me, but it's something that might work better visually. -A few things, like I said, could probably use some research. A radio station in the US being able to reach and broadcast over frequencies in Europe seems like a stretch to me, again, especially in a ravaged world. It would probably require some pretty serious power or a lot of relay stations with people working them. However, I am no expert. Also, the part about Troy and Jade ROWING the majority of the Atlantic ocean in 6 days seems quite generous. I think that sailing usually takes a while takes longer than that, and two people rowing a boat would likely take a very long time to cross and ocean. Again, I am not an expert. -Another research bit I'd suggest would be the use of sewers here. I like the concept of rebels living and travelling underground in sewers and drainage systems, it's neat. But I'm not sure about things like a sewage pipe that leads to a toilet being large enough for 4 adults to crawl though. The same for them "widening" the toilet hole. That would take quite a bit of widening. Maybe if ther ewere something like, I dunno, an on site, large wastewater tank that was emptied at certain times in the day/week. Something that would be big enough to have pipes that would fit people, that would also run into the structure. Then they could get in through the wate pipes to the holding tank, and from there go through basements or something? Just a thought, I don;t know if that's realistic at all x3 So, after all that. I hope you don;t feel too discouraged or like I was tearing down your story. There are certain elements of the plot I like, and some scenes that were fun to read. I liked the character of Buster, the disgruntled guy who just hates everyone, but decides to help anyway. I found that kind of cool. The zombie rats was a neat concept, but I might try to expand that beyond just rats. If the world is in such a bad state, there might be cats, dogs, coyotes, and other wildlife that are infected too, they might be more imposing than just rats. The concept of a zombie movie set in the early 20th century is kind of cool to me as well, but it does require some period research as well. The scenes of old, dilapidated buildings appealed to me aesthetically. I always like that kind of setting, and in the 20's it's probably a pretty rough setting. I wasn;t entirely sure about why Lloyd wanted to start a war. I know it's briefly explained, but it kind of felt a little lacking to me. It helps that the character is eccentric, so it's implied he might not be entirely mentally capable of being responsible for an entire army, but maybe if the plan were expanded upon, or if Lloyd seemed even more unhinged it would be a little more natural feeling. Throughout there were some spots where I thought it could use some polish, some spots that seemed too outlandish, but it also had the feel of a kind of a (don;t take this the wrong way) 50s or 60s era schlock horror film. It's kind of silly despite itself (aside maybe, from the dark ending here, which I think works, but others might not enjoy). It seemed like the kind of flick that could be a fun watch. Hope this long, drawn out comment wasn;t too discouraging or harsh. Again, good job seeing this little project through.